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Home > General > India: The Art and Science of Lying, Cheating and Hiding

India: The Art and Science of Lying, Cheating and Hiding

by S. P. Udayakumar, 23 September 2009

print version of this article print version 3 September 2009

Someone must write a book on the Indian art and science of lying, cheating and hiding and it will be a real hit. The scores of DRDO projects including the LCA (headed by the later-day Presidential Scientist or Scientific President, how should I call him), Pokhran-II, Chandrayaan-1 and all these things will be so much fun to read and laugh/cry.

The Moon-Man Madhavan Nair and his Co. hid the ISRO fiasco for eight to 16 weeks before acknowledging the inconvenient truth. Actually, it is our fault that we did not listen carefully or properly. Three senior ISRO officials are said to have asserted in May 2009 that there was "nothing wrong" with the spacecraft systems of Chandrayaan-1 when its orbit was being changed. If there was something wrong, they wouldn’t have even tried to medle with it, right?

An electrical component aboard the spacecraft is said to have failed way back in April. But there was really nothing wrong. What is one small component in such a big machine with so many such components, big and small and medium.

The biggest national(istic) consolation, however, is that, as Madhavan Nair has calimed, 95 percent of the mission’s objectives have been achieved, and 95 percent of the desired data has already been "picked up." Everything is 95 percent success! That is quite an extraordinary achievement. The remaining 5 percent was to be achieved in the next one year or so, viz. carrying out a few more experiments and learning more about the Moon’s atmosphere. That was going to be very simple and it is simply negligible.

All of our various ministries in Delhi and in all the state capitals all over the country must take some lessons from Madhavan Nair and his boys, viz. how to achieve 95 percent success in a project in just 5 percent life-span of the project and keep the remaining 5 percent of the success and data collection for the 95 percent life-span of the project. India will not only be shining but glowing and radiating!

Nair has said that the snags in Chandrayaan-1 would not result in delay of Chandrayaan-2 as “there are some marginal corrections that would be applied for the mission.” I am glad! The remaining 5 percent of the data can be retrieved after all with Chandrayaan-2. But what would it do for the remaining 95 percent of its life? That marginal error should also be fixed, maybe we can do that when we send out the Chandrayaan-3.

Nair has announced to the joyous nation that we have 70,000 images of the Moon now! That should make us all, the children of Mother India, really happy. Now everyone in every slum of the country, and all those who sleep in all our railway stations all over the country can rush to the nearest government office and choose their favorite image for the upcoming highly scientific Id card to be issued by the Unique Identification Authority of India (UIAI).

Our Prime Minister has already clarified following Rahul Gandhi’s prophetic assertion that lack of identity proof results in harassment and denial of services to the poor. This scientific Id with biometric data will clearly specify which corner of which platform of which railway station you sleep in, and which bush of which river bank you shit at and all those security details. The poor will be scientifically empowered! As Manmohan Sing and P. Chidambaram prepare these “unique” IDs with the scientific know-how and the technological do-how of Americans and other assorted White nations, Rahul Gandhi will personally hand-deliver them to each and every villager, farmer and fisherman in every extended and nuclear family.

Now speaking of extended nuclear family, it has Chidambarams (not P but R), Iyengars, Avars and Ivars (those and these in Tamil) always contradicting (with) each other just like in any Indian family. One says the mother of all our bombs was a flop. But the ‘Father of the Bomb’ says it’s not a big flop because we got all the data needed. The Big Brother of the Bomb, the unscientific Prime Minister, says the controversy is needless. So, was it a flop or not?

If you dig this deeper, be warned! The scientific laws of the country are being re-written with “unique” technology in such a technical manner that anyone who questions the patriotic lies and nationalistic cheats will be kidnapped to the Moon and then hidden in the Sun.